That Sinking Feeling

I have a confession to make. I'm a recoveringlifeline stanchions on the starboard side all broke at the
boatasexual. You don't know what that is? That'ssame time.
when your most significant other is a boat. Trust me,This was a fight to the finish.
folks - this is a toxic relationship!It was that old relationship conundrum - divorce?
It is said that the happiest days of a boat owner's lifeNever! Murder? Quite possibly. The boat did have
are the day she buys a boat, and the day she sells it.reason to wish me harm - I HAD grounded her within
Truer words were never spoken. It has also been saidfifteen minutes of our first voyage together. And there
that owning a boat is like standing in a cold showerwere the groundings in the Piankatank River, Boston
tearing up $20 bills. This is not true. You're tearing upHarbor, Rockaway Bay, and Sandy Hook.
$100 bills, at least.She harbored a grudge.
All my friends were shopping madly, all over town,And after everything I did for her, too.
buying clothes, shoes, furniture. I was at Home DepotI gave her a complete makeover from top to bottom -
melting my Visa card on stuff like stainless steel pianoI rewired and painted her mast, I replaced her batteries
hinge. Wood plugs. Router bits. I do have every powerand rewired the cabin, I completely redid her hull with
tool known to God and Bob Vila, so Tim Allen, kissthe BEST isophthalic polyester-resin (say that three
my...keel. I was committed to this relationship.times fast) - I gave her all of my spare time and more
Committed? I was certifiable - I lived on my boat. Andthan all of my spare cash. I even bought her jewelry -
what a harsh house-mother she was, too.new rudder fittings made of silicon bronze that cost
As you read this, raise your arms so your hands areover $2,000. I've never spent that much on jewelry for
close together, right over your head. Keep them theremyself!
for four hours. Every spring, I was forced to do this forWe had wonderful adventures together - trips to
days at a time. Holding a ten pound grinder. CarpalMartha's Vineyard, Nantucket and Cape Cod. We
tunnel? I had the entire carpal subway system.sailed up the Hudson River and down the coast to
Every task I undertook involved a toxic chemical. MyCape May.
life became an EPA Superfund site. Most of theBut it was never enough. She always needed,
containers had a warning label that said - "A braindemanded more.
tumor in every can" - now that's what I call a warningThe end finally came one day in November of 2000 -
label!I'd given all I could give. I'd reached the end of my rope,
The first summer I had the boat I was determined toand my checkbook.
practice safe boating - I wore a TyVek suit when II'd reached the second happiest day of my life - I sold
was painting her. Have you ever worn a TyVek suit?her to a family that fell in love with her at first sight.
When it was 100 degrees? It's like being locked in aThe poor slobs.
sauna for hours at a time. I did lose 10 pounds thatAs I watched her sail away, I felt a twinge of sadness.
summer, though - in addition to about a billion brain cellsThen I thought of my checkbook, which now had a
from the paint fumes.positive balance. A VERY positive balance!
The entire relationship was co-dependent. The boatI've heard that my former significant other is still up to
wanted to dissolve like an aspirin, and I had to preventher old tricks - it took her new owners almost a month
it from dissolving like an aspirin. Bit by bit, the boat wasto get her from Long Island Sound to Gaylesville,
winning. The teak decks leaked no matter how manyMaryland. The engine's multiple personality disorder
times I re-caulked them. The engine developed multiplekicked in, and the mainsail did its "look at me! I'm
personality disorder. The lines would fray even if theyshredding!" trick - but her new owners are determined
were coiled up in the rope locker. The fendersto keep her happy. I hope they have a fat checkbook
deflated. Then she tried to throw me overboard - the- she's a hungry old girl.